Adventures of a Sell-Out

This year's Christmas was low key, quiet and incredible. The time that I got to spend with my family was warm, and joyful, and fun! We didn't give any grand, extraordinary gifts that cost a lot of money. Everything was thought out and precious. It truly was a beautiful Christmas. But I think my favorite gift that I got this year, is what God showed me out in the wilderness.

You see, every year me and my best friend go out Christmas night and do something (usually something crazy). This year we decided to drive all the way out to the observatory and look at the stars. It was dark, creepy, windy, and COLD. We bundled up, and climbed up the big hill, coffee and sleeping bags in tow. At first, I was miserable. It was windy and freezing. But then we got to our destination: a circle made out of rocks stacked on top of one another, about two feet high. When I sat down in the circle all of a sudden the wind was gone, but I could hear it rushing, and roaring all around me. It was amazing! And then I looked up. The sky was perfectly clear and we could see the milky way stretching from horizon to horizon. There were so many stars that we couldn't even find the big dipper until I whipped out google sky on my phone! It was truly breath-taking.

There are a few different things that I learned as we were lying out under this blanket of lights. The first was a really cool analogy about light. We noticed that Venus was shining brighter than any of the stars, and we thought it was crazy because Venus is the only one we could see that doesn't create it's own light. It made me wonder, do we shine brighter when we reflect the light of the sun/son than when we are trying to create our own light? Just something to think about...

But the most profound thing that I realized, this Christmas, is just how crazy the Christmas story really is. The God who created all of those stars, uncountable, came to this earth as baby. The maker of the skies was humble enough to become helpless and completely reliant on a people he knew failed over and over again. And throughout his life on this earth, knowing exactly where he was heading, he remembered. I can just imagine him lying on his back in the garden of Gethsamane, looking up at a brilliant sky and remembering creating those stars; recalling giving them each a name. Incredible. Each person he met, he created. I wonder if his thoughts ever went back to the moment he created someone has he rebuked them, or healed them, or brought them back from the dead. It's so crazy to think about.

And then my mind goes to the cross. Did Christ remember creating the soldier who pounded the nails into his flesh? Did he consciously will the soldier to keep breathing as he lifted the hammer? And when the nail sunk into his wrist, did he flashback to designing the medial nerve, and how it would be capable of such intense sensations? Did he think of how flawlessly his design proved to work as the pain became unbearable? I cannot even fathom.

This is what he did for me. He is the best present ever. It makes me wonder how I can possible question if he will be true to his promises, or if he will come, when he already came. I don't want to just remember this, or even merely celebrate it. I want to learn to live every day as if I believe that it's true. Because I do. With all of my heart.

"One thing have I asked of the Lord, that I will seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the glory of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple... My heart saith unto thee, since thou hast said, Seek ye my face, Thy face, Lord will I seek... I should despair, unless I believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let thine heart take courage; yea, wait thou for the Lord."

Yep.

I.

Fail.

At.

Blogging.

It's only been forever and a half since I blogged last, and I will certainly not attempt to fill you in on the whole story since then. But lately my heart has been seeking for a venue of release. I do journal a lot, but there's definitely something to sharing your heart in a tangible way, where other people can experience it with you. And so... I will blog. God is working in my heart in ways that are absolutely blowing my mind, and I cannot wait to testify to His incredible grace and glory on paper (or on screen, if you will). So here it is, the heart of Me.

I believe with everything in me that God meets us just where we are at and speaks to us through our hearts deepest cries, joys, and hopes. So when God is speaking to me, He is often speaking directly to the things that are weighing the most prevalent on my heart. Most of the time, I don't even recognize my hearts' cry until the Lord reveals it to me, speaking to me about just that. So when I am lost and confused, I ask myself, "What is God speaking to me about?"

Well... He hasn't been. Not in the 'Lord, why have you forsaken me?' way... But in a much more beautiful and profound way. The last few days my quiet times have been just that. Quiet. Silent. I have been retreating into the presence of the Lord to find stillness, peacefulness, and rest, in the midst of forlorn confusion. My heart cries out in anguish, and the Lord responds with silence.

It brings me to remember Gomer, the prostitute wife of Hosea. The Lord says in a beautiful heart cry that he will allure her and lead her into the wilderness to speak tenderly to her. He promises to betroth her to himself with righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. What a beautiful romance. The Lord is crying out to Jerusalem to follow Him out into the wilderness, into the silence, so that He can speak tenderly to them. His heart is to restore her broken life and fill her with peace and rest. This has been my very experience this week. The world is screaming at me around every corner to be afraid, and be so ashamed. But when I look to Christ in the quiet place I find just the opposite. I am immediately embraced with healing, restoration, and love.

It's such a beautiful thing. Suddenly all of the creation around me becomes so much more. Today I was sitting in Pioneer park and the beauty around me captivated me. It seemed as if every blade of grass was pouring out its very essence to display the righteous glory of Christ. I sat on a rock by the river and it seemed as if the love streaming through me was like this river, placed exactly where it is to reveal God's breathtaking beauty and glory.

I realized today that God cannot create anything outside of His character. He can only create with what he possesses. Therefore, everything in creation reveals to us a piece of the character of God. And yet, it's so easy to pass by a green field, or a simple flower, or a tree and pass it off as ordinary. But if you really look at it for what it is (and intricate creation that bears a part of the character of God and reveals to us His beauty and cries out His praise) it becomes much more than ordinary. It becomes much more than extraordinary, even. Think about it! Creation will cry out His name if you don't! Wow.

Now take this image of beauty and think about something even more wholly beautiful. Even more captivating and breath-taking. The source of all things beautiful and all things good. This blows me away. God's incredible beauty and glory, is revealed in what he created! But this also leads me to a question that very heavily burdens my heart. If the blades of grass, and rushing water, and a shining star, can reveal God's glory in such awe-inspiring ways, how can I so pridefully fall so short of the glory of God every day of my life? Every second of this life has been given to me to reveal His glory, beauty, and the rest of His character to the world. That's the very reason that I will even take my next breath. But I fail every day. My character does not match up with His, and my words certainly do not continually cry out in praise to my Creator. And it breaks my heart. God has this incredible plan for me to share in His glory (2 Corinthians 3:12-18)and I daily fall so desperately short.

"This righteousness in God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," (Romans 3:22-23)

Wow. The reality of how much I fall short has been right there in scripture, all my life. I have heard this verse thousands of times, and I am just now realizing the gravity of what it means. We were created to reveal God's glory on this world, but every single one of us has fallen so desperately short of this. Except one. And because of this One, there is a statement of hope attached to our downfall from glory:

"...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:23-24)

Bigger wow. We live in a depraved world, and yet, because of of God's grace through Christ Jesus, we are freely justified to once again share in His glory. Wow. I just can't stop saying wow. WOW!

I have frequently heard the phrase 'the beauty of the cross'. Now I get it. Because of the cross, we can once again, freely display God's beauty as His creation. Anything beautiful that we have or any beauty that is within us, has been extended to us by grace, from the beauty of the cross.

Being raised in the church has always made it a challenge to get a fresh picture of the cross. It's so burned into my head as a Sunday School friendly story that I have a hard time coming to terms with the reality of just what it is that Christ did for us. But this last week when I began to recognize my depravity, I became hungry to grasp it, desperate to understand the bittersweet, breath-taking beauty that is the cross. Then God showed me a new picture of it. Joni Eareckson Tada and Steven Estes recount the story in their book "When God Weeps". I encourage you to read the book but for now I will share with you a passage that painfully recounts the core of the beauty of the cross.



The face that Moses had begged to see--was forbidden to see--was slapped bloody (Exodus 33:19-20). The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth's rebellion now twisted around His own brow...

"On your back with you!" One raises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldiers heart must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner's wrist. Someone must sustain the soldier's life minute by minute, for no man has this power on his own. Who supplies breath to his lungs? Who gives energy to his cells? Who holds his molecules together? Only by the Son do 'all things hold together' (Colossians 1:17). The victim wills that the soldier live on--He grants the warrior's continued existence. The man swings.

As the man swings, the Son recalls how He and His Father first designed the medial nerve of the human forearm--the sensations it would be capable of. The design proves flawless--The nerves perform exquisitely. "Up you go!" They lift the cross. God is on display in His underwear and can scarcely breathe.

But these pains are a mere warm-up to His other and growing dread, He begins to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during this day an unearthly foul odor began to waft, not around His nose, but around His heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawl upon His spotless being--the living excrement from our souls. The apple of His Father's eye turns brown with rot.

His Father! He must face His Father like this!

From heaven, the Father now rouses Himself like a lion disturbed, shakes His mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on the cross. Never has the Son seen the Father look at Him so, never felt even the least of His hot breath. But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky. The Son does not recognize these eyes.

"Son of Man! Why have you behaved so? You have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped--murdered, envied, hated, lied. You have cursed, robbed, overspent, overeaten--fornicated, disobeyed, embezzled, and blasphemed. Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned! Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name? Have you ever held your razor tongue? What a self-righteous, pitiful drunk--you, who molest young boys, peddle killer dogs, travel in cliques, and mock your parents. Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, foment revolutions, torture animals, and worship demons? Does the list never end! Splitting families, raping virgins, acting smugly, playing the pimp--buying politicians, practicing exhortation, filming pornography, accepting bribes. You have burned down buildings, perfected terrorist tactics, founded false religions, traded in slaves--relishing each morsel and bragging about it all. I hate, loathe these things in you! Disgust for everything about you consumes me! Can you not feel my wrath?"

Of course the Son is innocent. He is blamelessness itself. The Father knows this. But the divine pair have an agreement, and the unthinkable must now take place. Jesus will be treated as if personally responsible for every sin ever committed.

The Father watches as His heart's treasure, the mirror image of Himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah's stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.

"Father! Father! Why have you forsaken me?"

But heaven stops its ears. The Son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply.

The Trinity had planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled Him. The Father rejected the Son whom He loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted His sacrifice for sin and was satisfied. The rescue was accomplished."



Get it?

All of His beauty and glory and holiness was stripped away and replaced with all of our inherent wickedness, evil and sin. All so that we might be able to share in His glory and beauty. The beauty of the cross.

This overwhelms me so much. I do not understand it and I very much doubt that I, or anyone else will ever fully grasp what Christ did on the cross until we reach eternity and are seated next to Him in the midst of the glory and beauty that He so loving and painfully gave up for us. For you. For me. Again I say, wow.

All I know is that I want to be a woman of the beauty of the cross. A woman who is keenly aware that anything beautiful in me is extended to me by the cross, and I am nothing apart from the cross. I desire to count all my gains as loss, and live my life to learn the beauty of Christ, to share in His glory, and to display it to the world, proclaiming His praise with each breath that I take.

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." ~2 Corinthians 3:18

So... about my blog. I am the world's worst blogger. It has been much too long since my last entry so I thought I would post an update of all the happs and discoveries of my more recent adventures. I am now a student at Ecola Bible School and this is accompanied by aquiring a ridiculous amount of biblical knowledge. I have been learning in mass quantities since Monday morning, but ironically I am learning more outside of class than I am in it.

In class we are going through Romans with a professor that has five masters and an almost doctorate. Oh. My. Goodness. His sentences are so packed with info that with each new statement I have to throw the previous sentence out in order to have enough room to store all the large words in my brain. However, what I want to blog about is what God has been revealing directly to my heart. It's one of those topics that everyone has a different idea about and almost everyone oversteps and offends their own opinion about it. Today's topic of discussion is...: Christian Dating.

As a young woman I have dappled in and out of the world of relationships and it took that process to learn what I now know. God has been speaking to my heart about what a Godly relationsip looks like and how it is supposed to function in order to genuinely be founded in the Lord. So here it is.

We all know that marraige was designed to be a covenant. But what exactly does that entail? Most christians these days will tell you that it means not to have sex before marraige. And yes, I agree that there is definitely a physical aspect to the covenant but I believe that there is also more to it than just that. The way God designed marriage has two parts to it. The physical aspect, as mentioned above, and then the spiritual/emotional aspect. Both are part of the covenant between a married couple.

I know a lot of girls (myself included) that offend the latter of the two. When we are interested in a guy we get him alone and then pour out our hearts and soul to him... I am now a firm believer that this is a form of promiscuousness. It is immodest to share your entire heart with a member of the opposite gender that is not your spouse. From the surface this seems like an odd belief but look at this way:

The first aspect of the marraige covenant is the physical part. It is considered highly immodest to physically reveal all of that part of you. So if the second aspect is spiritual shouldn't it also be considered immodest to reveal all of the spiritual part of you? I am not suggesting that we cannot share any of our hearts with anyone until we are married, just the same way that I am not suggesting that we must cover up our entire bodies. We are permitted to show our face, our arms, and our legs (hopefully the lower half). In the same way I would not think it immodest to reveal parts of your heart to someone, but to spill out everything you are is not only promiscuous, but dangerous. Scripture tells us that above ALL else, we must guard our heart for it the wellspring of life. Sharing it completely with another person is flat out putting our hearts, and the essence of who we are, on the line.

Along with this, I also fully believe that dating is a thing of the world. When God created marraige His people didn't 'date'. And if it is a thing of the world, how can you wholly honor God through it? With this I conclude that there must be another way to go about it. Unfortunately, the bible doesn't say anything about dating or courting so I am relying on what I believe that Holy Spirit is teaching me. I think that as humans we get waaaaaay to wrapped up in the culture of dating, even within the church. I think there is a way to go about relationships that is much more honoring to the Lord. I am still discovering what exactly that entails but it's more along the lines of courting. It involves more than just the two of interest, i.e. the family and friends. It is a relationship where each person has a system of accountability, and they don't go off alone.. ever. Dates are permissible but in a public location. I think that this system really tests the strength of the relationship and it really reveals the foundation that the couple is basing the relationship on. It should be completely and wholly grounded in the Lord.

Beyond this, I would also suggest that you should not begin a courtship unless you know, through prayer, conviction, and discernment, that that person is the person that you want, and are meant, to spend the rest of your life with. Dancing through relationships directly offends the covenant that God created those relationships to be like. Matters of the heart are a serious thing. God dwells within our hearts and he uses them to speak to us, stretch us, and draw us closer to him. Our hearts are full of life threatening importance and when we disrupt the balance of that, it can be spiritually fatal. When we wait to share that with the one person that we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is created by God for us and intended to be with us, we can insure that they were specifically created by our Loving Father to know how to handle and respect who we are at the core of who we were created to be. Sounds like a way better package than 'dating' to me.

I also believe that basically all thigns PDA are in offense to the covenant of marriage. Including kissing. I myself have recently made a commitment to myself and to God, not to kiss another man until my wedding day. I don't deny that this will be a torturously hard thing to accomplish but what a foundation, what a testimony, and what a way to strengthen the relationship in the Lord. If you can have a relationship that functions in that way and still know that you don't want one more moment without that person by your side, thn you've got a way better shot of making that relationship last. After learning this, I don't see why anyone would ever want to settle for anything less. I know that all of us have a greater hope about our future spouse than what we settle for in 'dating' relationships. God put those desires in you for a reason. Perhaps to show you what a relationship can really be like and the amazing things that he has waiting for you if you seek to honor him through your relationships. Not just honoring him in your relationships but through your relationships. In other words, it's not just doing the bare minimum of of making sure that the relationship doesn't break the rules, but using the relationship as a tool to be a team that has greater potential to bring honor to the name of the Lord. That's a powerful thing.

So that basically wraps up what God has been teaching me. I hope that reading it was as beneficial to you as it has been to me learning it. Signing out, Lauren.

Life. Quite literally the meaning of it is this: the general or universal condition of human existence. There are too many dictionary definitions to write them all here, which only goes to show that human kind cannot quite put their finger on what life really means.

Moving out on my own has got me thinking... Life. What does it all come down to? And of course, the first thing that comes to mind is the christianese answer, "It all comes down to Christ." And yes, this is very true, but what does that mean? What does it really mean? I have come to the conclusion that it means just that. Christ. That's all there is, and it's all that matters. Our lives on earth are futile. And I don't mean to say that nothing matters, and poo poo about how horrible life is. I just mean to point out that when everything is stripped away all we are left with is God. Everything earthly is temporary; only Christ is eternal. Even 'true love' is temporary.

This may sound like a very negative idea but it has opened my heart to a much deeper perspective of our existence. We are here to serve the Lord. That is all. We are here to worship him, be in relationship and do his will. Everything else that we experience on earth is just the frosting on the cake.

All my teenage years, I have aspired to finding 'the one'. Just the idea of loving another person so much is amazing to me and as a girl, I naturally have a hope for it to happen at any moment. This last week God has stripped all of those thoughts away from me. I still want to be married and have a family some day, but I realize the futility of it all now. It really doesn't matter who we marry, or what house we live in, or what clothes we wear, or what car we drive. It is all futile. All that matters is Christ.

The shift from finite to infinite thinking is incredible. All the drama that has you by the neck, all the stress that you are drowning in, and all the hopes and dreams that you fear you can never attain really don't matter. And it's... well, it's a strange feeling to realize this. I would think that it would make me freak out and feel like I am invisible. But instead it gives me an overwhelming peace that God is in control. It's just proof that he is true to his promise when he says that he will fill us with a peace that surpasses understanding.

So if everything finite is futile, then what's the point? Again, I say, "The point is Christ." Everything else that is in our lives (clothes, money, housing, nature, even love) they are all just a blessing that the Lord pours down on us because he loves us. But we can't let those blessings, or even the struggles for that matter, distract us from the reason we are here. Like Esther, we have been ordained for such a time as this, and God wants to do incredible things with us right where we are.

And just think how much easier it would be if we kept the focus on God. If all we do is look to God and follow his call, that purpose and all of those earthly blessings will just fall into place. Think about it, if we focus on finding our future spouse, our eyes are removed from God. But if we keep our focus on God, that person is still gonna be there in the right time, but we've wasted no time searching for something that wasn't there yet. We can apply this principle to anything in life, paying the bills, getting a car, going to college, starting a ministry, anything.

I'm going to be blunt for a moment. It's stupid. I am stupid, we are all stupid. Stupid to even consider looking to the world and filling ourselves with worry instead of looking to Christ and filling ourselves with peace, love, grace, mercy and so many other amazing things. But it just makes us human when we make this simple mistake. It seems like such an easy solution to switch our focus, but for some reason it is so hard. And the only one who can help us do it, is Christ. Again, it comes back to him. Do you all see the same pattern that I do? Christ.

"For to me to live is Christ, but to die is gain." Life = Christ. End of story.

The past two days have definitely been a time of firsts. And that falls directly in line with what I had expected; that everything would be different and new and that my life would be completely altered. And while that is all true, I am coming to realize that life and people are still the same. There are still the uncomfortable political conversations, the people who simply refuse to even look at you even before they meet you, the awkward first time at a new chruch, and the feeling of second thoughts. I have no regrets and I am prepared for the difficulties of adjustment that lie ahead, what makes me think twice me is that I see people who are on a different page. People who question why God has them in this place. And all I can say about that is this:

Life. Is. Hard.

As humans, we simply can't avoid that. It is hard, and it often just outright sucks. And when we reach the point of despair, all we are left with is God. I think that we tend to forget exactly what it means to be left with God. We talk about how amazing God is, and how powerful and wonderful and loving and compassionate he is... We describe God with all of these qualities and more. In fact, we describe him as so great that we often just leave it at at indescribable. We have no words to compare with his awesome ways. And yet, when we come to a point when all we have is him, we diminish him to something so small. When really, just to have God is an incredible thing and more than enough for us. Everything else is mere blessing. When we are pushed out of our comfort zone, God is simply preparing us for a mountain of blessings that he wants to pour on us. But first he has to stretch us so that we aren't overwhelmed. He needs us to grow so that he can use us in the mighty ways that he has planned and set aside for our lives.

When we are forced to adjust to that growth, it can stretch us out pretty thin... And as a result, we feel really tiny. But we just have to remember that God is big. Bigger then our pain, discomforts, and second thoughts. He has led to us to where we are for a reason, and he wants to use each of us right where we are. Even if it's not comfortable. I mean, Jesus most certainly wasn't comfortable when they were beating him, pulling out his beard, and nailing him to the cross. But God used him to save the world. God can use us most when we are willing to step out of our zone, walk in faith, and remember his sovereignty. And yes, it sucks. But God never said that it would be easy. However, he did say that he would carry us through it with a peace that surpasses understanding.

However, we can't just take these things from God. He wants something in return. He longs for a relationship with us, and relationships go both ways. He wants to give us peace, but he also wants us to give him our lives. He asks us to die to self every single day, and it's hard but if we can learn to do that he will replace our lives with the incredible adventure that is a life following his footsteps. He is a mighty and loving Father who has incredible things in store for his children. Walk in that in complete faith, and you will be a person who truely has no regrets and is a magnet to other people.

On a more random note... My first Cannon Beach Sunset!!!!!!!







For more pics just look on my facebook. :)

You may ask, "Why start a blog?" Well... A few friends have asked me to start one so that they can keep up on all my adventures in Cannon Beach. I thought it didn't seem like too bad of an idea and here we are.

You may also ask, "Why title it 'Adventures of a sell out'?" Well... That's what this post is about: selling out.

Last night I was contimplating exactly what is means to be sold out for something. When you are sold out of something, it means that you don't have any of that particular item left. So... I came to the conclusion that a sell-out, is sold out of themselves. That led me to a wonderful reminder that I am sold out because I have been bought with a price: the blood of my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. He bought all of me with his life, so now my life belongs to him.

I have also been thinking a lot about the Spirit and how crazy it is that it dwells inside us. This last weekend was the 3rd annual Prepare the Way Christian Youth Leadership Summit. I was amazingly blessed to be a part of coordinating it, and speaking at it. It was a phenomenal time of worship, study, and fellowship. At the Elliot concert on Friday night, God moved in absolutely incredible ways! Walls were coming down, chains were breaking loose, and captives were being set free. It was such a powerful night that in all my existence I will never be able to forget. So I was thinking while lying in bed, as I tend to do, and I asked myself, "What was it about that night that made God and his movement so prevelant?" Then I realized that the reason that night was so powerful is because we were all in the Spirit! And of course, that got me thinking even more. God sent us his spirit when he took Jesus back to heaven after being raised from the dead. Scripture continually tells that the Spirit of God will be with us, and guard our hearts and minds, and so so many other promises dealing with the Spirit. I 100% believe that we are designed to live within the Spirit on a continual basis. If we could learn how to do that, the power of Christ would be unleashed, like it was Friday night, on a daily basis. God longs for us to constantly thrive within his spirit and allow us to witness and be a part of the supernatural taking place in our lives EVERY SINGLE DAY! Wow!

This is what can happen when we completely sell out for Jesus Christ. His resurrection power, the power that brought life where death had previously reigned, will be unleashed in us on a daily basis. I think I'll take stock in that.

In accordance with the event of my moving to Cannon Beach, a lot of people have been asking me what I want to do after bible school and who I want to be. I have come to the conclusion that all I want to do is sell out, and all I want to be is sold out. "For to me, to live is Christ, but to die is gain." ~My Man Paul.